


and when i touch you, in each of the places we meet, in all the lives we are, it’s with hands that are dying and resurrected (when i don’t touch you it’s a mistake in any life, in each place and forever)

by ffslynch



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:36:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26999032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffslynch/pseuds/ffslynch
Summary: “These were the rules: Yamaguchi always remembers, and Kenma always forgets.”(#HaikyuuAngstWeek2020 day 6: Right Person, Wrong time (sort of) / ‘The worst thing, even after everything, I don’t regret anything’)
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970500
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	and when i touch you, in each of the places we meet, in all the lives we are, it’s with hands that are dying and resurrected (when i don’t touch you it’s a mistake in any life, in each place and forever)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jellyfic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfic/gifts).



> Happy Birthday,  Noémie!! You are a wonderful person, and every day I'm very grateful that I get to know you and be your friend! Keep being this wonderful beam of light in life that you are ✨ I hope you like this fic and it's not too bad, and that you have the most wonderful day, cause you deserve it 🖤
> 
> (If you haven't checked out Noémie's fics, you definitely should! She's a wonderful writer with a range that includes both fluff and angst, I'm sure you'll love her work. One of my personal favourites is her Soulmate Assassin AU and I 100% recommend checking that out!)

" _But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. Such a constellation was he to me._ " - Madeline Miller 

Earth, 89 B.C. 

All existence is made and constrained by unwritten rules and unsaid laws - and humans are no different. Food and water to nourish their bodies, a decent (but variable) amount of sleep, and free access to oxygen - these are the requirements for the survival of a human body. Beyond any of those, however, a human needs a soul. 

Souls can occupy any sort of body made of matter that presents ‘life’ - from animals to plants, as well as those made of flesh, blood and bone. Souls are multitudes, interconnected by something that is much too big to be explained (words that describe and explain such connection have yet to be invented). They are created somewhere along within the fabrics of the galaxy and arrive at earth through the form of celestial bodies. Once a soul has found its way onto the planet, it is destined to experience different lives in an endless cycle (called reincarnation) until it is time for it to turn back into a celestial body and rejoin its initial origin. 

To be human means to be a singular soul occupying one body - which is a rule that is efficient enough in terms of practically (human bodies are much too small to constitute the strength and expansion of more than one soul). However, because of the nature of souls (created and forever interconnected), that makes the human experience to be, inherently, a lonely one. Due to that, the universe has also kindly provided those who inhabit human bodies with a solution: soulmates. 

These are the rules for soulmates;

Soulmates are defined by two connected souls that are separated in different bodies. 

They may arrive at earth at different times, and even different places - but they will meet eventually and repeatedly.

Soulmates may or may not recognize each other by sight alone, but touch is enough to strike the memory and feeling of recognition.

Soulmates always find each other.

Soulmates always remember each other. 

* * *

The first time Kenma and Yamaguchi meet, the world is just getting started, it’s just a glance, less than a second. Kenma is a bright star crossing the sky and Yamaguchi is a simple boy, watching the burning body cross the sky, pulling at his heart. Yamaguchi wants to run, to dive into the meadows and anything that might come in between him and that star - the bundle of light and fire that, he knows, was made from the same thing as him. They’re destined to be together, he knows, and nothing will stop him to find it - to find his soulmate. 

He only really encounters Kenma many years later, as a gangly 16-year-old boy. Kenma is shorter, and abrasive and never makes eye contact. But he recognizes the constellations on Yamaguchi’s freckles and the twinkle in his eyes and their existence is made of eternal happiness and bliss, of being together and complete in the solace of one another.

As society evolves, and soulmates are studied and understood more and more, the dying need and tendency to perform the craziest act to find your second heart dies slowly. Humans understand that they will always find each other, and recognize each other. There is no need to rush - it is a part of you that is bound to come back, to reconnect. Nothing can be in the way of love finding. Although, it is necessary to take into consideration that nothing can also stop this specific life to cease existence - thus death and painful separation are still regular recurrences, due to the human's obligatory mortality.

Kenma and Yamaguchi live and die, a multitude of times. Sometimes it takes a few decades, sometimes they find each other still in diapers, living meters away from each other. But regardless, due to the rules, they always find each other. 

Yamaguchi Tadashi is on his 20th reincarnation when he accidentally encounters the witch - a bitter yet powerful being, with a distaste for gentle boys that slowly grow into their sense of self-respect and pride. It’s a fight that Yamaguchi can’t remember why he picked when most of his existence as a human has been so marked by peacefulness and almost cowardice. But regardless of memory or not - the conflict ensues, and it has its harsh consequences (as humans affairs tend to have); a curse, made of anger never seen, a desire to hurt the other that would be incomprehensible to anyone with a basic understanding of the emotional necessities of those that occupy human bodies.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is young and scared when he gets cursed. 

These were the rules:

Yamaguchi always remembers,

and Kenma always forgets.

" _Meeting your soul mate is like walking into a house you've been in before - you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the books on the shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to._ " — Jandy Nelson

Nagasaki, 1716

On his first next reincarnation, Yamaguchi is born as a farmer. His life is simple and peaceful, surrounded by cows and a strenuous but uneventful routine. Everything changes when Nagasaki first open its gates to open trade with those who weren’t local, and he gets to interact with strangers of all types, from the main islands to different countries, helping his parents at the dock and the market. 

It’s in one of many tedious days, sun bright in the sky and not a wind in sight. Yamaguchi stares at the clouds that move oh so slowly in the sky, when his father calls him out, almost harshly. A new group of merchants approach, covered in red and black typical of their province on the main island. 

Yamaguchi’s body doesn’t recognize him, but his soul does, the sight of the golden eyes waking up something in him that has been asleep for far too long.

But the same thrill doesn’t reach Kenma’s eyes. He looks at Yamaguchi as if this is his daily routine, same as ever. 

The words of the curse of his past life resurge with full force, tasting like bile and blood on Yamaguchi’s mouth. A soulmate that doesn’t remember you. Destined to meet Kenma again and again, seeing the same lack of love in his eyes. Without recognizing who he is. 

Yamaguchi takes a sharp breath in, as the merchants, led by Kenma and a taller man with wild black hair. Maybe he only needs to touch him for Kenma’s soul to recognize, maybe he just needs to do a little extra effort. He puts his best customer smile and starts the dealing, showing the different products manufactured by his family that might be of interest for them. He does his best to hand objects without shaking, to talk without stuttering, to have the courage to make eye contact, and the self-control to look away after a while so it’s not too much. So he doesn’t melt under the sharp golden eyes, doesn’t go crazy at the lack of recognition. 

He takes too long, the courage doesn’t come. The leader of the merchant group waves his hand and when Yamaguchi notices, the group is disappearing in the crowd of the market, Kenma’s head moving away quicker and quicker. His chance slipping away.

“Wait!” Yamaguchi yells, and grabs Kenma by the wrist before he can control himself. Kenma turns back, but his reaction is far from what Yamaguchi desired. There are hints of fear, annoyance and slight disgust written all over his face, as he looks up from the hand on his wrist to the face of the man holding him back. Yamaguchi flinches

“My apologies. Please take this” he hands him an Orin apple, the largest and shiniest one he has. “It’s our speciality, I promise you won’t regret it.” Kenma looks at him with hooded and suspicious eyes. Yamaguchi gulps and bows his head. “Thank you very much for visiting. I hope you come by again.” He says, hoping his voice shows exactly how much he wants, needs, Kenma to remember him. Hopes that all of this, the eye contact, the touch, the sweet apple, is enough to break the curse and that Kenma will blink and look at him as he always did, with kindness and devotion. 

Kenma hums and nods, letting out a small ‘thank you’, before pocketing the fruit, turning and leaving. Yamaguchi straightens up his back just in time to see him disappear in the crowd, joining his group again. 

Yamaguchi comes back to the dock every single day, waiting for him.

Neither Kenma, nor anyone from his province, ever comes back. 

" _And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone._ " - Madeline Miller

Sendai, 1894 

Yamaguchi and Kenma find each other in the middle of a war. They are both soldiers, drafted into a war they didn’t want to fight in. Death is everywhere you look and both of them have lost family and more friends than they could count. They are hopeless and scared, and with only two decades on his back Yamaguchi feels an exhaustion so deeply set on his bones he thinks he might never feel awake again. 

They meet in the brief training camp and are put in the same battalion, protecting and having each others back from early on. Yamaguchi holds back his love, until one fateful night in which they’re laying in the dark, trying to catch minutes of restless sleep before the sun is up and is time to fight for their country, for survival, all over again. Kenma silently slides his hand over Yamaguchi’s, careful and quiet as he always was. Yamaguchi’s heart leaps, but he knows (can see on his face, even in the dark) that Kenma doesn’t remember him that way. He has simply fallen in love with this reincarnation of him. There is nothing to do, but rejoice in this small win in comparison to the past years. He turns, take Kenma’s face into his hands and kisses him, again and again and again, until the sun rises and the war roars on their ears.

But happiness and war have never been friends, and Yamaguchi is a cursed man. 

Yamaguchi gets shot in the stomach, the damage too deep to be helped in the middle of the lifeless field in they find themselves. Blood drips from his lips, as his body slowly going numb on the arms of a fellow soldier he doesn’t recognize. He looks up to see melted gold. His heart flutters.

“Kenma” he coughs, mouth filled with blood. Kenma looks at him with an anger and angst that breaks his heard and Yamaguchi is filled with memories of past lives and a painful curse mingled in promised destinies. 

“Soulmate” he whispers, the word lost to gunshots and pain. Kenma opens his mouth to reply, and there is a flick of delayed hope, but when Yamaguchi looks into his eyes, he sees no recognition. His heart stops. 

" _in a world full of temporary things, you are a perpetual feeling._ " — Sanober Khan

Tokyo,1983

In this life, Kenma is the first boy that makes Yamaguchi understands that he is very much not a heterosexual.

They meet in dark rooms that boost loud synthetic music, in the neon lit hidden corners of Sendai, places where you'd only find if you were looking for it. 

Yamaguchi is not Kenma’s first kiss, but he is the first one that makes Kenma feel _something_. Even if he doesn’t recognize exactly what. He calls it love, finding solace and an odd peace in each other in a world so darkened by war and anger. 

There is an illness that spreads quickly and although Japan is far from being a country highly affected by it, that doesn't mean it doesn't sneak its way into society, slowly killing those who are unlucky enough to cross its path.

Regardless of the reincarnation, Kenma has never been known for being lucky.

Yamaguchi is not sure when or how it happens. One day Kenma was fine, and next week he had grown weak and feverish, his body slowly marked by purple marks. He coughs and blood comes out. On the rare moments in which he is awake, his mind is distant, filled with hallucinations. 

The illness is relentless, but merciful. It only takes 3 weeks from the first fever, for the sickness to claim Kenma's body, to take him away from this world. He is on Yamaguchi' arms when his soul leaves this mortal form, moving on to the next life.

“I’ll find you again, and again and again. No matter where or when” Yamaguchi whispers against Kenma’s dry lips. "I'll find you Kenma. And I'll love you. Even if you don't remember me."

As his breath steadies and his body turns cold, Yamaguchi cries silent tears, being reminded of why humans were never made to endure existence alone. 

“ _I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times - In life after life, in age after age, forever._ ” - Rabindranath Tagore 

Tokyo, 2012

Yamaguchi is reborn shy, anxious and freckled as ever. 

He meets Tsukishima when he is 8, a boy who doesn't believe in soulmates, refuses to have his life controlled by it.

"When I find love, it will be my choice. I'll love them because I want to." He says, angry at the world and the rules. 

Yamaguchi looks at him with huge eyes, filled with admiration. He falls in love a little bit with him then, and it grows with time. Even if he doesn't agree with Tsukishima's philosophy in life, he thinks it would be nice to be his soulmate. 

When he is 16, Karasuno has its first match against Nekoma, and the moment Yamaguchi lays his eyes on him his body is filled with pain and yearning all over again, as it has done many times before. Kenma looks straight past him

It takes three hours of him trying to keep his cool for Tsukishima to drag him away and ask him, blunt as always, if Nekoma’s grumpy setter is his soulmate. He and Tsukishima may not be soulmates, but they have known each other for far too long for him to successfully lie to him, and the look in his face it’s good enough of an answer. He never touches on the subject again, respects the endless pain that Yamaguchi will go through every time he meets Kenma and sees himself reflected as a stranger on his eyes, and never questions why Kenma doesn’t remember him. The only time he ever brings the setter’s name up again, is when both are over 20, waking up in each other's arms after a night of over drinking.

“I will not do this if you’ll go back to your soulmate, even if he doesn’t remember you” he tells him, face stoical and voice emotionless. But it doesn’t fool Yamaguchi, not even for a second.

“You told me once that when you fell in love it would be of your own choosing. Do you trust me to make that choice for me?” Yamaguchi replies. Tsukishima asks him if he is sure and Yamaguchi simply kisses him, focusing on the present moment and not in the life he will never live besides Kenma. 

As Nekoma and Karasuno establish close relationships, Kenma becomes more of a regular in Yamaguchi’s life than he expected. They meet for matches, see each other again and again, touch one another countless times, shaking hands and slapping shoulders in greetings and goodbyes. 

Yamaguchi looks at Kenma from afar, the strings of his heart-tugging and begging him to come closer, but he doesn’t. He refuses to do so.

In this reincarnation, they are soulmates, but Kenma is not the love of his life. 

Their lives become an entangled web, and both boys are always only arm’s length of each other, even when they turn into men. 

Yamaguchi is there when Kenma gets married to Kuroo, his childhood best friend who has been marked as soulmate-less.

Kenma likes the picture on Instagram that Yamaguchi posts when he proposes to Tsukishima years later. 

They live separate lives, only a few moments from each other. Kenma never remembers, Yamaguchi never forgets.

“ _That’s the way it was when you loved someone. You took them everywhere you went—whether they were alive or not._ ” - Benjamin Alire Saenz

Osaka, 2611

In this reincarnation, Yamaguchi becomes a nurse. He tends to elderly people and small children, sometimes waving with a smile as they leave the hospital with their families, sometimes with mournful tears as he covers their bodies with the white sheets. It’s a quiet life, filled with silences, softness and caring for others. 

One day he is assigned the case of a man, a year older than him, that has suffered an accident and is now in a coma. When he walks into the room, even though he has seen hundreds of sleeping and unconscious people before, his body is covered with shivers. In the bed, peacefully asleep, is Kenma. 

Yamaguchi takes care of him every day. Makes sure his vitals are regular, brushes his hair, washes his body with extreme delicacy every day. Tells him countless stories and songs, that he thinks Kenma might have liked hearing. Sometimes, he sits there and talks to him all day, sometimes he simply stays there, watching his face and steady breath. It was painful, it always was. But still, Yamaguchi couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He always meets Kenma, and even if he doesn’t remember, even when he doesn’t love him back as Yamaguchi wants to be loved, he is still Kenma. And how could Yamaguchi ever regret meeting him? 

“The worst thing, even after everything, I don’t regret anything” Yamaguchi whispers “I’ll never regret seeing your face. I’ll never regret loving you and having you in my life. Even if just for a second. Even like this.” He bows his head, and his eyes widen as he sees Kenma’s right hand fingers twitching. Yamaguchi looks up quickly, to see the familiar flutter on Kenma’s closed eyes - recognizing the movement of someone that is about to wake up.

“He will remember” Yamaguchi tells himself. He will. He has too. 

Kenma opens his eyes and looks back at him, straight into his eyes - Melted gold into brown sugar.

"Tadashi.” Kenma whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> Og ending had Kenma open his eyes and still not remember who Yamaguchi is - I was going for the /angst/ of endless cycles with no light at the end of the tunnel. However, as I decided to make it into a birthday gift, I thought a happy ending would be more suitable lol  
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked this fic, feedback is always much appreciated and if you feel like it you can always come and yell at me on twitter!!


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